Mega Man Battle Network 7: Chore Time
by StupidSequel
Summary: Megaman destroys the internet, and since Lan is the operator and is thus considered responsible, he must do chores for Commander beef so he can earn allowance to buy a new internet. Featuring a mini parody of Justin Bieber.


**Megaman Battle Network 7: Chore Time**

Megaman was utterly disgusted at what Lan was looking at on the internet.

"Dude, your mom needs to put up some kind of web filter. You don't need to be looking at porn." He fired random shots everywhere from his Megabuster.

"Megaman, what are you doing?"

"If you won't get some kind of web filter, then I have no choice but to destroy the internet!" There were broken shards of internet glass and dry wall surrounding the blue net navi.

"That's it! I'm calling the police!" Lan declared. He dialed 911 and asked for the police to be dispatched. Poor boy. He did not realize that by doing that, he would seal his doom. The police threw their body weight on the door with a mighty shove and questioned the 12 year old.

"Are you the man whose net navi destroyed the internet?" the police asked in a menacing tone.

"Yes, but –" Lan started to say something else, but the officer cut him off.

"You're under arrest for cyber vandalism."

"Dude, did you even listen to yourself? You asked if my net navi destroyed the internet. I didn't do it. He did. Therefore, you should arrest Megaman!"

"No, I asked if you were the operator! How can I slap handcuffs on a computer program? Handcuffs are analog data. Megaman is digital data! There's a big difference. Since you're the operator, you are considered responsible for this most heinous act." The police men escorted Lan to the police car. Commander Beef stepped near them.

"The boy is not going anywhere. I will deal with him, since he's my son." Commander Beef told the police. The police let him go.

"Lan, as punishment for letting Megaman destroy the internet, you will have to do chores for me so you can earn enough money to buy a new internet! I, on the other hand, will sit there and play games on the Wii virtual console all day, both to kill time and to add to your humiliation. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?" Commander Beef shouted those last few words. Lan nodded nervously. "Good. Now your first task is to unclog the toilet. I have flushed my daughter's underwear down there and a bunch of people used it ever since and tried to flush. Oh, and last night was Asian food night. You have to reach down there and pull it out, since I'm afraid you might hurt yourself if you use plumbing equipment. Do all that, and I give you 50 cents. Every so often, I will come in and check on your progress. You are not to leave the bathroom until you get it out, thus unclogging the toilet, and if you ever need to take a piss, well, that's just more work you gotta do. Now, GET CRACKIN!" Lan hurried up to the bathroom while Beef took off his helmet, so now his real name was Mesa. Mesa lit a cigarette and whispered 'Damn spoiled kids these days!'

Lan saw the filthy condition of the toilet and began to think the 50 cents wasn't worth it. The toilet wasn't so much a bowl of water with waste in it as it was the other way around. _Screw the internet, I wanna protect my personal health. _He then remembered that if there was no internet, then there was no put on latex gloves, held his breath, and reached down into the toilet bowl. He refused to look while doing his supposed chore, but the consequence of that was that he had no way of knowing if he got the underwear out. He heard footsteps coming up toward the bathroom. It was Mesa.

"TAKE THOSE GLOVES OFF NOW! I'M SAVING THEM FOR IN CASE I EVER HAVE TO PERFORM SURGERY ON MYSELF! IT COULD HAPPEN."

"But you didn't say I couldn't use them before." Lan did as he was told. "You can't just chane the rules in the middle of the game."

"Now I have to dip them in hand sanitizer until I've killed 99.99% of all the germs! Oh wait, I'll leave that up to you!" Mesa added.

"But Mesa, I don't think we even have hand sanitizer."

"Oh, am I supposed to think of everything here? You're a smart guy, you figure it out!" Mesa stormed out of the bathroom. Lan laid the gloves beside him and reached into the toilet with his bare hand. He missed. His hand was covered in body waste. He touched his face out of habit.

"EUUUGH!" He washed his face vigorously for the next couple hours. Right after he washed his face, Mesa came in.

"You're supposed to be working, not monkeying around. For every time I come up here and you haven't unclogged the toilet, the allowance will decrease by 10 cents. Now you'll only get 40 cents. GET TO WORK! And don't forget about making that hand sanitizer and applying it to the gloves. Capisce?" Lan nodded gravely. He stuck his hand back in the toilet. _It could be worse. At least I'm not at a Justin Beaver concert. _As if on cue, Commander Beef turned on the radio and what should come on but Infant by Justin Beaver.

"Hey Lan, here's some extra motivation. When you get done working, I will turn off this Justin Beaver My Planet 2.0 CD. The longer you keep working, the more I play it on repeat," Mesa shouted from downstairs. Lan was one of dem haters. If you think you know what Justin Beaver is supposed to be a spoof of, you do. Lan decided against all odds to just look in the toilet while he had his hand in there even though it looked super gross. He saw a flash of white cloth. Lan tugged it out with all his might, careful not to splash any toilet water on himself. He laid it beside the toilet.

"Mesa, I'm all done! I finally got your stupid underwear out!"

"It's my daughter's underwear, you goldfish! And congratulations, or actually not quite. You still need to make that hand sanitizer for me!"

"Damn it!" Lan spat.

"I will be throwing this underwear in the laundry. And now I can flush the toilet without it clogging. Here you go, thirty cents." Lan was displeased at such a small wage. He thought about calling the police for forced child labor, but then he remembered what happened last time he had called the police. It was what got him into this mess. _I hope they don't find the stash of ROM images on my computer since ROM files are technically illegal. In fact,it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever call the police ever I need to figure out how to make that hand sanitizer. _He knew that people sometimes boiled food in water to kill all the germs and that boil water advisories served the same purpose. Lan filled a pot with water and put it on the gas stove. He turned on a burner and waited until the water was boiling hot. Next he put the latex gloves in it.

"I hope you burn in hell, germs! Ha!" When he believed that all the germs on the gloves were killed, Lan turned off the burner and took the gloves out right after waiting for the water to cool down. "I think all the germs are probably dead. Hey, Mesa, I cleaned your stupid gloves!"

"That's okay, I won't ever need them after all. Apparently I don't know surgery at all." There was a big hole in Mesa's midriff where his stomach used to be. "Since I think I'm fat, I cut myself open and attempted liposuction on myself using our Rainbow Dash vaccuum cleaner, but not only did it suck up my stomach fat, but my stomach also. Your next chore is to find my stomach, learn how to do surgery, and reattach my stomach. Since I am missing the internet so very much, I decided a 50 cent wage is way too small. Why not bump it up to about $1337. How does that sound?" Lan's eyes turned into dollar signs. "I take that as a you accept, then."

"What do you mean I'm too young and uneducated to attend medical school?" Lan demanded.

"Dude, you're only in middle school and you have no idea what a bypass operation entails. You scream at the sight of blood, and you don't usually wash your hands after using the bathroom!"

"Well, Beethoven started playing at age 4 and look how much more famous he is than Justin Beaver." Lan countered.

"Sorry, dude, you're just a kid, but if you come back in about ten years or so, we'd be happy to teach you all there is to know about the field of medicine and surgical science." Lan had heard enough. He had to learn this stuff somehow. He went on the computer. _Maybe the internet can help me. _He clicked on Firefox and…

"This page cannot be displayed," the browser window said.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot!" So Lan rented a kindle and downloaded a bunch of medical books on it. He turned toward the camera to break the fourth wall.

"Author who's writing this, I promise I will burn it after I get all the info I need. And since it's a kindle, I don't have to break my back from carrying dozens of heavy books all the time and less trees to cut down." Heh. I guess kindles aren't literally _all _bad. Lan, you're a good kid for coming to your senses by promising to burn after reading. He studied the material over and over until he could perform simple surgeries on real people. And then the big test.

He looked inside the Rainbow Dash vacuum cleaner and pulled out Commander Beef's stomach and used his medical knowledge to reattach Commander Beef's stomach.

"Thank you, my nephew. I hereby give you $1337. Now go use it to buy a new internet." Commander Beef paid Lan in pennies. Commander Beef smelled something burning. "What's on fire?" He asked.

"I'm fulfilling a promise I made to someone from beyond the fourth wall." Lan replied, then went outside with a fire extinguisher. He sprayed on the flames to reveal a badly burned kindle.

Lan then went over to Walmart.

"One internet, please!" He handed all 133700 pennies to the cashier, and the transaction was now complete. Lan tried to get on the porn site from earlier, but it was blocked. Next he was surfing the message boards and started a help thread on how to bypass web filters. Thirty one days later, he bumped the thread asking 'Please, this is important, I still have not figured out how yet.' Then someone replied saying 'Please don't post in threads that have been inactive for over thirty days, even if you're the original poster. Closed, and a strike on your account.' Lan was enraged.


End file.
